and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
