After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
