My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
