I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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