if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
