Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
