so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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