I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
