we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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