drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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