i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize