he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
