I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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