quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just blew my weed a kiss
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
