apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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