Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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