i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
