Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize