I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
