just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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