my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
