I just pynch a tree in the face
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
