I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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