They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
