He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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