your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
