just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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