I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
