gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
