Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
