i don't like sucking hair
I think I won the penis lottery.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
