no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
