Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
