Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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