I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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