is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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