I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
