I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
