I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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