didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
