p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
