True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize