I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
