DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
