Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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