Will you blow on my dice?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
