Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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