Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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