I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
