we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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