I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
