Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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