so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
