just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
