ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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