I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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