I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
