True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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