I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
