you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
