You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
