Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
