I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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