i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
